Simons Guide to Cross-Dressing (for boys and girls)

Boys:

Dress

Choose your clothing carefully. Don't kid yourself that you're a size 12 - girls are a different shape. Girlfriends, sisters, and fellow Network members are often a good source of slutty clothing, but whatever you do don't raid your mum's wardrobe.

Underwear

Unless you are of a particularly large build, you will probably need a fake bosom, or even better a bra to stuff. Be careful though, as the clasps break easily if forced. Fill your D-cups with tissue paper (all the girls do anyway) or maybe balloons - but these are easy to burst. Chicken fillets work too, but probably won't last the weekend. A thong might seem like a good idea at the time but believe me, it isn't.

Accessorise!

Any fool can put on a dress, but it's the little touches that will really turn heads. Jewellery, a handbag, and maybe some fancy dress items like wings or a halo all add to your feminine allure. It's also handy to have something long to beat off unwanted admirers. Shoes are important but take care with high heels (see below).

Body Preparation

To be a really convincing "lay-deee", you're going to have to do some hiding and/or removing. A close shave is a good start and to do it right you're going to have to do more than just your face. Thick tights will cover hairy legs well but you're going to look like your gran. If you're insane or into pain wax is always an option. With unsightly hair dealt with, your only problem will be the dreaded bulge. What you do with this is really a matter of personal pain threshold.

Make Up

For this your going to have to find some trustworthy female friends. Ask them not to make you look too much like a prostitute. It'll probably take them about an hour (now you know why they take so bloody long to get ready) but will invariably be worth it. Do what they tell you to and hope you don't get that little brush thing in your eye, it stings. Glitter really sets off the look, though you'll be finding in your sleeping bag, tent and clothes for months.

Walk the Walk, Talk the Talk

Now that you've got the right gear, all you need to do is act the part. If you can balance on high heels then you'll probably be able to wiggle fairly convincingly, but stilettos are painful and frankly quite dangerous when you're staggering around a field. Even girls fall over and break limbs - and you don't want to go to casualty looking like a ladyboy. Hands on hips, a condescending attitude, limp wrists and a shrill voice will make you more feminine. Remember to talk about celebrities, clothes, make up, and... no that's it. Oh, and introduce yourself with your starsign.

Now you've lost your Y chromosome, all you need to do to win a prize is work the crowd. Talk like you're easy, giggle and act dumb. Friends with an airhorn will help, too. Good luck, girlfriend!

Girls:

Wear trousers and drink pints.
Fart.